Neurosis,

I want the book "i am neurotic (and so are you)". I've been on the website for a while reading through all the things the author does in her neurotic state, and I can relate to more than half. I know I'm neurotic, I have an anxiety disorder, and I suffer from depression. Somehow I've accepted this, and I don't want help anymore. I'm still somewhat happy to see that I'm not the only one who does things like that. Just to see that I'm not completely alone always gives me hope.

Here's a few from the book, that I myself do:
preserving the pointy tip
Whenever i use the fat Crayola markers, and only those particular markers, i feel bad if i press hard. it just seems like the whole marker’s life is ruined and it will be scarred for life if the tip of the marker is not pointy. so when i use those markers, i try not to press hard so they maintain a nice point.

pill confusion

I get really uncomfortable if I swallow two different pills at once. If they are the same medicine, I can take several at a time, but if they are different, I feel as if I have to take them one after the other, or else they might get confused.

i'll have what they're having

Whenever I go eat with friends, I wait to see what they’re getting before I make a choice. If they’re getting deep-fried this or greasy that, so will I. If they’re getting health food, so will I, even though I hate it. Otherwise I’m scared that they’ll think I’m a disgusting glutton.

gmail is tricky

When I send an e-mail I always have to go into the Sent Items and re-read the message I just sent, just to reassure myself that it still reads the way it did when I sent it a few seconds earlier.

There are quite a few more, but I'm too lazy to post the rest.

iamneurotic

Deleted

I had this whole three paragraph blog typed out, but I just deleted it and wrote this sentence instead.

Falling

Here I am sitting up and awake, two hours after I said I would. It's because of these butterflies, and this feeling in my chest. Just the very thought of a tall dark haired skinny guy who has good taste in music and a personality to match gets me going. I smile and start to go into the near stages of hyperventilation whenever I hear his name. When he touches my skin it's like a wave of electric pulses going through my body, and I feel numb. But this is a good feeling. This is excellent. No one has made me feel so good about myself, no one has made me feel this alive. When he says things to tell me how he feels or to make me feel better, my heart jumps into my throat and I am unable to respond. If someone were to ask me how many times I've thought about him I'll say just once, because he has never left my mind. I get light-headed and tingly with every kiss, and with every hug I never want to let go. If I could lay in bed with him all day I would. I would talk to him non-stop. He isn't boring, and his heart always seems to be in the right place. My friends don't like him, but I don't care. He makes me happy again. He gives me something to believe in.

This is me pouring out my emotions at 1:30 am because I need something to vent to. I need someone to tell, and not call me cheesy or tell me I can do better. I don't want to do better. I want him. I'm not saying the "L" word, but this is as close as I can get without running away. In truth, I want this so bad, but I've never been more scared in my life. I want to give him everything he deserves, and more. I want to be the one he always remembers. I don't know if I'll ever accomplish this, but I do know I will treat him better than anyone else.

I hope he doesn't read this. I don't want to seem like a fool.

Neurotic, Opaque, and Drunk with Fascination

This is exactly how I feel.

Does She Look At You The Way I Do?

I've been downloading alot of new music lately. I've been changing.

I'm turning into a quieter person. I don't talk much to anyone except the bestie and the boy. My head is filled with nasty thoughts and rude comments. My speech is made up of sarcasm and false emotion. I'm growing empty and cold. I don't want to be this empty person. I think I'm too emotional though, I think that needs to stop. I cannot keep crying at the slightest things. I need to be strong. I guess my mind thinks that being strong means being empty.

Currently watching Will and Grace with my mother. A show about a gay guy and his straight female roommate makes my day.

I miss being in Windsor. Walking around in the crisp winter air, the sound of traffic surrounding me. I cannot stand silence anymore. I miss Toronto, I was never left in silence in that one bedroom apartment. I miss my dogs, I miss the balcony, I miss the sirens. I liked that part of the past. I miss my little world of happy.

I simply cannot wait till next year. I want to move out. I hear Guelph has a good mall, and at least it has it's own transport system. I would love to get into Toronto, but that would be so costly. My grades aren't that great, either.

I really hope my plan comes through. I want a roommate, and I think Conrad would be great. It's funny, I know he's annoying but I don't see that at all. He's been one of my best friends since grade nine, and my only guy friend I haven't done anything with. I think that's something to be proud of, for me anyway. Some people say I talk to him more than my own boyfriend, and talk about him more, but in truth Conrad doesn't come across my mind like that anymore. To me he's just a friend, the best.

I like John's bed.

Lost,

I have once again realized what a whiny person I am. I have nothing to really write anymore.

Oh,

Here's a joke:
What do you do when no one will love you, and you love all the wrong people?
Die.

Lol