Totally Graduated

22 days till summer.. I think

So I realize that I don't post here anymore. Much, lol.
I usually use my tumblr, or don't go online at all.

I'm really looking forward to grad and summer <3
Like, you have no ideaaa.

I miss my boyfriend.

If people were rain

"I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane."
- looking for alaska

Quit

So my father won't let me try and switch out of the university courses I'm going into.
"Uh, Helllllllooo? I'm eighteen, I can make my own decisions about my own life. Kthx."
I want him to get out of my life, and quit telling me what to do.

I'm quitting smoking until graduation. That's 63 more days on top of the 30 I've already done. I think I can do it. Way to be healthy.

:$

I actually wrote something today, for the first time in about three or four months. I kinda like it, so I might as well post it since I have nothing else to really say.

"I hear the wind and the rain
Howling outside of these four feeble walls,
Threatening to knock it down,
To tear it apart at any given time.
Though these walls are young,
they've been through a lot
of wear and tear and misery.
But these walls won't break,
They can be built up
Just as easily as they were brought down.
These walls will fight,
These walls will be strong,
These walls have something to protect,
Something to stand tall for.
Because these walls hold a heart,
And this heart holds undying love,
Which give [her] the strength
To carry on."

I think he's my inspiration, in a way. Finally.

Fuuuuu

I'm sitting in the school computer lab, tweeting my boyfran and texting/tweeting my twin. I might make a tumblr and link it to my blog, just cause. I have nothing else really to say, I hate my third spare.

Kiss me

Thanks to Twitter and Vannessa, I've found my new infatuation.

www.fuckyeahkissing.tumblr.com (it won't let me put the stupid link in.)

Kissing is like drinking salted water. You drink, and your thirst increases. ~Chinese Proverb

This Isn't Even Worth Reading

It's gotten to that point of night where my skin feels like it's crawling and I crave some form of food that is impossible to find, since I have no idea what it is I'm craving. My dad doesn't like the word crave because then he thinks that I'm pregnant.

I'm currently watching the Grudge, on mute. I have Slayer playing in the background. I'm quite boring.

I started writing this about half an hour ago, but I keep getting distracted. Then John signed online.

Harmony to my Heartbeat

Well, I promised an update. I'm currently avoiding replying to any of my texts. I'm not in the mood to talk to someone right now. My head hurts like crazy, but I cannot sleep. I don't want to take my sleeping meds tonight, since they told me to space it out so I don't become "addicted".

I finally got internet back at my father's house. Unfortunately it isn't any faster, but will be alright for updating and facebook for the weekends I won't be with wireless in Windsor. I really really want my new laptop, like right now. I'm super anxious. I want to have my music collection all in one place, I want my games back, and I want to continue a few projects I dropped with the death of the old laptop.

I love having a personality that can get along with anyone, and pick up conversations of nothing right away.

I've been counting down the days till graduation, like the faggot I am. 81 days and counting. The only reason I count down is because I want to leave this little town and all of it's silence. I love the people here (school) but I hate my house and "home" living. All anyone does is scream and get angry at nothing. Just like mom's house. I can't wait for something of my own, where the only screaming will either be at the tv or a game.

I've realized the only time I am ever worry free is when I'm with John. My headaches disappear completely, and I am relaxed. This indeed is a miracle, because I've never felt this way in such a long time. With him, I am constantly happy, and when he's holding me I feel like I'm on cloud nine. I sound so cliche or cheesy, but what "they" say about love is true. I guess I'm still afraid, but I wouldn't want this to be with anyone else but him.

I want my birthday present from Vannessa.

I've been on a "Tegan & Sara, Dragonette, and Electronica mixes" downloading spree. I happen to like my change in taste of music.

Death by age 32

I've spent my entire evening walking around Windsor, downing Big Macs and cigarettes like candy. I've also spent my entire evening stalking people on facebook. I wish I could have done something more exciting with my last night in Windsor.

I want to cut my hair like Haley Williams, but not dye it. Google her, if you want.

I get my test results tomorrow morning. Also, I'll miss him more than anything.

:)

Silence

I have nothing real to blog about. I've dipped back into my neutral state where all I do is sit here staring at my computer screen. I guess I'm okay with that. For the first time in forever, I don't have music in the background.

Value Village, Pokemon, and Twilight rants

Oh hai.

It's the beginning of March break, I'm down in Windsor for the week. I really kinda miss the place, it feels like my actual home. Not just one place specifically, but the whole city in general. My heart is here too, so I guess that makes all the difference too.

It's been a difficult few weeks, but my life is difficult to begin with. I'm never getting my wireless back at my fathers house, my main place of living, because he is too cheap to pay the 25$ a month for it and would rather give his fiance all his money to buy stupid pointless crap with at Value Village. Not trying to bash VV, but they do have some pretty shitty ass stuff that only a stupid cow like my stepmother would buy. On the other hand, I now have a new TV (a very small one) in my room. It gets minimal channels but I do get the news and TMZ, and that's pretty much all I need to fall asleep to.

My birthday just passed, but I don't feel any older. I still feel like I'm 17, or 5 considering I sleep with a Pikachu blanket, a stuffed giraffe, and have been playing Pokemon Diamond almost non-stop since I got it last Saturday. 18 is a nice age, though I plan to hide if I have to vote and don't feel like getting addicted to bingo when I go with my aunts. Hopefully I get my fake soon, because I think I'd rather go barhopping with some friends a few years older than me. Just sayin'.

Something I heard on the news the other day: "Twilight die-hard fans are anxious to see what happens in the next movie. Who will Bella choose?" Holy crap, this made me wake right up and have a little mini rant to myself. If they were real die-hard fans, they would have READ THE BOOK. But Twilight fans are really only little and teenage girls, and pedophile mothers because they only care about the clearly not hot shirtless guys on the widescreen. The books and screenplays are so poorly written. Jacob doesn't have a tattoo! (Just throwing that in there) Sure, I've read the books and I liked them when they were unpopular and good for a teen "romantic" thing, but really, it sucks. I think Stephanie Whatsherface should die, or just stop basing teenage books off pornographic dreams she has about dead sparkly things.

I really have nothing else to say, but if someone could find me a 32GB iPod touch for all my purdy musics, that would be cool.

:)

It's for sure this time,

HOLY CHICKEN LIVERS, BATMAN!

I haven't updated this thing in a while. I don't bother when not around high speed. The downfall to living in the middle of nowhere.

I've only been to school a total of two days this week. I really dislike it. Like, I wish I could get out of that house. I don't feel welcome.

I'm sure I have more to write, but I have no idea what to write.

I'm in love.

Worthless,

I've done it again. I can never write anything that doesn't make me sound lame. Maybe it's because I am lame, and dumb. I don't like me.

I did save a little bit from my paragraphs.

No one can love me back. It's impossible.

Again

I did it again. Deleted all my thoughts and feelings and wrote this sentence instead. I have problems, but I'll be fine. I always am.

I don't even bother to update this if I'm not connected to some kind of high-speed wireless connection. Not worth the wait to just press "Submit".

Neurosis,

I want the book "i am neurotic (and so are you)". I've been on the website for a while reading through all the things the author does in her neurotic state, and I can relate to more than half. I know I'm neurotic, I have an anxiety disorder, and I suffer from depression. Somehow I've accepted this, and I don't want help anymore. I'm still somewhat happy to see that I'm not the only one who does things like that. Just to see that I'm not completely alone always gives me hope.

Here's a few from the book, that I myself do:
preserving the pointy tip
Whenever i use the fat Crayola markers, and only those particular markers, i feel bad if i press hard. it just seems like the whole marker’s life is ruined and it will be scarred for life if the tip of the marker is not pointy. so when i use those markers, i try not to press hard so they maintain a nice point.

pill confusion

I get really uncomfortable if I swallow two different pills at once. If they are the same medicine, I can take several at a time, but if they are different, I feel as if I have to take them one after the other, or else they might get confused.

i'll have what they're having

Whenever I go eat with friends, I wait to see what they’re getting before I make a choice. If they’re getting deep-fried this or greasy that, so will I. If they’re getting health food, so will I, even though I hate it. Otherwise I’m scared that they’ll think I’m a disgusting glutton.

gmail is tricky

When I send an e-mail I always have to go into the Sent Items and re-read the message I just sent, just to reassure myself that it still reads the way it did when I sent it a few seconds earlier.

There are quite a few more, but I'm too lazy to post the rest.

iamneurotic

Deleted

I had this whole three paragraph blog typed out, but I just deleted it and wrote this sentence instead.

Falling

Here I am sitting up and awake, two hours after I said I would. It's because of these butterflies, and this feeling in my chest. Just the very thought of a tall dark haired skinny guy who has good taste in music and a personality to match gets me going. I smile and start to go into the near stages of hyperventilation whenever I hear his name. When he touches my skin it's like a wave of electric pulses going through my body, and I feel numb. But this is a good feeling. This is excellent. No one has made me feel so good about myself, no one has made me feel this alive. When he says things to tell me how he feels or to make me feel better, my heart jumps into my throat and I am unable to respond. If someone were to ask me how many times I've thought about him I'll say just once, because he has never left my mind. I get light-headed and tingly with every kiss, and with every hug I never want to let go. If I could lay in bed with him all day I would. I would talk to him non-stop. He isn't boring, and his heart always seems to be in the right place. My friends don't like him, but I don't care. He makes me happy again. He gives me something to believe in.

This is me pouring out my emotions at 1:30 am because I need something to vent to. I need someone to tell, and not call me cheesy or tell me I can do better. I don't want to do better. I want him. I'm not saying the "L" word, but this is as close as I can get without running away. In truth, I want this so bad, but I've never been more scared in my life. I want to give him everything he deserves, and more. I want to be the one he always remembers. I don't know if I'll ever accomplish this, but I do know I will treat him better than anyone else.

I hope he doesn't read this. I don't want to seem like a fool.

Neurotic, Opaque, and Drunk with Fascination

This is exactly how I feel.

Does She Look At You The Way I Do?

I've been downloading alot of new music lately. I've been changing.

I'm turning into a quieter person. I don't talk much to anyone except the bestie and the boy. My head is filled with nasty thoughts and rude comments. My speech is made up of sarcasm and false emotion. I'm growing empty and cold. I don't want to be this empty person. I think I'm too emotional though, I think that needs to stop. I cannot keep crying at the slightest things. I need to be strong. I guess my mind thinks that being strong means being empty.

Currently watching Will and Grace with my mother. A show about a gay guy and his straight female roommate makes my day.

I miss being in Windsor. Walking around in the crisp winter air, the sound of traffic surrounding me. I cannot stand silence anymore. I miss Toronto, I was never left in silence in that one bedroom apartment. I miss my dogs, I miss the balcony, I miss the sirens. I liked that part of the past. I miss my little world of happy.

I simply cannot wait till next year. I want to move out. I hear Guelph has a good mall, and at least it has it's own transport system. I would love to get into Toronto, but that would be so costly. My grades aren't that great, either.

I really hope my plan comes through. I want a roommate, and I think Conrad would be great. It's funny, I know he's annoying but I don't see that at all. He's been one of my best friends since grade nine, and my only guy friend I haven't done anything with. I think that's something to be proud of, for me anyway. Some people say I talk to him more than my own boyfriend, and talk about him more, but in truth Conrad doesn't come across my mind like that anymore. To me he's just a friend, the best.

I like John's bed.

Lost,

I have once again realized what a whiny person I am. I have nothing to really write anymore.

Oh,

Here's a joke:
What do you do when no one will love you, and you love all the wrong people?
Die.

Lol