Monday, December 28, 2009

The opposite of contempt is ... ?

It started on a darkened day,
the blind had lead the deaf across an old busy street.
No one died
and everyone thought it was a miracle.
But that was just the beginning.
Gangs broke out in fights across towns,
woman beat man until blood was drawn;
But it didn't stop there.
Weather reports broke down in sights of plague
With slight sights of frogs invading cities knee deep.
In the middle of it all,
the definition of love was lost
as well as the ambition to know it.
People in sheer panic broke into stores
to gather the food they wouldn't need,
in case of the end of everything we know.
But you can't eat if you're dead.
Politicians started fights across the table;
Fists and all with guts of rage
to settle differences held for so long.
Yet no one stoped to notice.
Yet no one stopped to care.
The pavement then cracked and created big gaps,
from which rats and earth leaked through,
and as lightening came down from a cloudless sky
starting random fires on innocent ground,
a little boy walked through the streets
looking for a familiar face.
Something he would never find.
The world was out of order;
Coin slots would never produce coke cans again.
Electronics fought back,
and then they died.
Half the world thought this madness called for rain
of cats and dogs falling from the sky.
But then the sky opened up producing its rain,
tiny droplets of water producing the only order on earth.
Yet the fires raged on,
and no one noticed.
The fires stayed strong for days at length,
nothing was fixed,
and no one had hope.
People fled their homes in search of things unknown,
and cars raced down freeways to similar destinations.
It was as if they thought they could escape,
as if they thought this state was an occurence
and not a feeling held deep within.
The lonely homeless man left behind
roamed the streets with a sign
which read "The end is near.",
but it wasn't.
It was utter chaos,
but to me
it was beautiful.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

who will love you?

Christmas eve is stupid. That is all.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Stand on your toes

I no longer cry in the bathroom, I just cry myself to sleep.

Finished my friend shopping yesterday. Got the boyfriend's present, but I have to finish making it. He better like it, but I think I'm just a bit lame.

I am currently sick, very sick. It's only stress induced, but I need to relax. John asked me if I wanted to take a break, I obviously said no.

I honestly think I'm falling in love with him, but it really freaks me out. Just the whole "Give someone the complete power to beak you" thing is not something I'm a fan of anymore.

Listening to Imogen Heap today. It's an indie Vicky day.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Ou la la

Is waiting for this page to load.

/sings to self.

Ah, okay. Well, I think I'm going to start using makeup again. Why? Because it works wonders. You look even better than before while your face is tan, your eyelashes are curled, you get that "smokey eyed" look, and that hickey from yesterday is already invisible. Hmm, did you say something? I thought not.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Rah Rah Rah

Remind me to never again walk anywhere in below zero degree weather. Never again.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Oh hey, lyrics are cool too

This is almost exactly how I used to feel. Love freaks me out hardcore, though.

"Pardon me for saying
I was afraid, she never gave me the time of day
If love is a slow dance, I just hope for one chance

I hope time could stop, its hard for me to breath
She's really walking over here to me
What should I say? What should I do?

Don't let this end now
Slow this dance down
I could stay here all night... Forever, forever

This is not my strogest point that she knows
She pardons me for stepping on her toes
I heard she's a pageant queen
So what's she doing dancing with me?

I hope time could stop, its hard for me to breath
She's really falling in love with me
What should I say? What should I do?

Don't let this end now
Slow this dance down
I could stay here all night... Forever, forever
Dance with me forever...

Teach me every step, every tip and every turn
Your arms around my neck you make want to learn..
I'm only getting better

Don't let this end now
Slow this dance down
I could stay here all night... Forever

Don't let this end now
Slow Dance
A Slow Dance"

Saturday, December 5, 2009

And I say "HEY!", What a wonderful kind of day

I feel loved again. My boyfriend is super boss.
That is all.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Yummy Dolphin Nuptials

Let's all lay in the fetal position while watching specials on cocaine and Freddy Mercury. Yeah, that sounds like fun.

Monday, November 30, 2009

CBC: two

It's only been a day later and the bathroom count has gone up one. I was told not to return to my house because I said what's on my mind. What's the point in speaking the truth when no one wants to hear it? There isn't any.

Twenty five days till Christmas and I don't have a place I feel comfortable calling home. I don't have a real family.

I want to be loved again.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

CBC: One

I love difficult people. My mom is ridiculous. Today I made her pancakes and offered to help put up some Christmas decorations, which is a really big step for me since I'm a lazy asshole. So I helped her out, and the outside decorations weren't going so well. Something wouldn't work so she yelled at it a few times, and started to yell at me before she got so angry she smashed something and told me to clean it up and go inside. Her end quote: "It would be nice if someone cared enough to help out around here." Anger management, much?

What the fuck is she talking about? I just made her pancakes, put up all the decorations and did all the laundry, vacuuming, and dishes yesterday! I don't even actually live here. Nothing can please her, ever.

Obviously this made me a little over emotional and I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for a bit, before taking a hot shower to the sound of Jason Mraz. I calmed down a bit, and I'm just neutral now.

I don't understand some people. I have never made it through a holiday without crying and yelling and locking myself in a bathroom. Christmas Bathroom Count so far: one.

So now she's gone from the house for the day. It's nice out, I think I'll go out for a walk and have a cigarette in peace. Lucky I go home today.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Sing me a tune in the key of C. Actually, don't.

As I sit here, eating my soggy cheerios with a dirty spoon from yesterday in the darkest corner of my basement, I wonder what I should write. I'm told my life is eventful, but I never have anything I can write about. I've stopped with my poetry and song writing, it's not that great anymore. I have no good insipration, therefore nothing catches my eye before it hits the rim of the trashcan (I always miss).

But I figure, the world is my trashcan, and this birdbath is my ash tray (No really, it is.); There really is no point in using it. I never like any of my stuff, so I throw it away into the trash can (The World) where no one will ever see it. The world has so much junk that we don't need, you'll simply never have enough time to view it all. I'm obviously not worth it, so move onto something more worthwhile in this bin. (This paragraph had no point whatsoever, just skip it)

I love to waste my time. Sitting around at 3 am reading Mindspill in my sweatpants and a shirt i haven't worn since third grade; priceless. What's even more priceless, is I still fucking fit it. A better way to waste my time: sitting outside in sweatpants and a shirt I haven't worn since third grade while reading "War and Peace" with a cigarette. It's quite a lengthy book, but I hope to finish soon.

University applications should be sent in soon, I'm just too terrified to do it. My marks are great, but what if they don't want me? I love how I can use the "What if?" clause for just about anything, and it still makes me shit bricks. What if I can't get into someplace I will like, and then I base my options around friends or a boy, then they leave me and I'll be stuck alone yet again? I know I should do what I want, but I don't know exactly what that is. If I could, I wouldn't be going to school after this year (Maybe that is what I want). But I can't; yes, can't. I guess I'm actually just terrified of being frowned upon for being a 17 year old pregnant high school drop out, which is what I would be if things played out differently about nine months ago. (Ftr: I'm not pregnant)

I have another boyfriend, surprisingly. I thought it would take me forever to get over Pat and Kyle, but I guess spacing myself away from them and sending hate mail was the best cure after all. I thought it would take months, being infatuated with them for over two years. But whatever, they don't matter anymore. Say hello to Jawn Dee? Yeah, I hope to keep him around for a while.

I do believe this is the most I've written in a blog so far? I've been quite childish with my whole "Everyone is out to get me" thing. God, I really do hate myself, but I'm okay with that.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Tick tock, on the clock

So I guess I'm making this a monthly thing.

Currently at work, but I nevar do anything. Because all I do is sit at a computer all afternoon and do shit all.

Things are going alright. I'm trying so hard to ignore the bad stuff, and love the little things.

Pat is officially gone from my life, and so is Kyle. They can honestly go fuck themselves. (:

Not much else to say, my life is terribly uneventful.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Hookie

I've grown attached to Electro-pop stuff lately. I've been going through a genre change.

Friday, September 18, 2009

untitled

I have been changing ever so slowly.
I like the new me.
I'm better without you.
I will die smoking my cigarettes.
And I will be happy.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Conversations Worth Keeping

- victoriaaaa [: says (8:37 PM):
noway is a kid named patrick cooler than me

Pat- says (8:37 PM):
i believe so

- victoriaaaa [: says (8:39 PM):
nope

Pat- says (8:39 PM):
too bad

- victoriaaaa [: says (8:39 PM):
harry potter says so

Pat- says (8:39 PM):
harry potter is gay

Pat- says (8:40 PM):
and not the good kind of gay

- victoriaaaa [: says (8:40 PM):
lmfao

- victoriaaaa [: says (8:40 PM):
whats the good kind of gay?

Pat- says (8:40 PM):
lol the actual sexual orientation?

- victoriaaaa [: says (8:41 PM):
okay

- victoriaaaa [: says (8:41 PM):
just making sure

- victoriaaaa [: says (8:41 PM):
:)
Pat- says (8:41 PM):
lol

Pat- says (8:42 PM):
i really dont like harry as a person, hes too blunt and impersuasive and annoying and weak and stupid

- victoriaaaa [: says (8:42 PM):
lmfao

- victoriaaaa [: says (8:42 PM):
where did this come from?

Pat- says (8:42 PM):
lol i just dont like him

Pat- says (8:43 PM):
if he was a real person i wouldnt be his friend

Monday, June 22, 2009

I like to wear my heart on my sleeve,


This is the year I needed to make a difference, this is the year I wanted to change. When I look back on things, I want to be able to say that it was right; a perfect year.

This school year was anything but perfect. I failed classes, lost some friends, and made a few enemies. I screwed myself over, and just wasted my time wallowing in self pity. This was no way to spend my year, but on the upside I have no regrets.

I could have tried harder. I could have studied instead of going out with friends. I could have done my homework instead of watching television, or spending all my time on here. I could have cared, but instead I sat around not giving a shit about my life.

I made my share of mistakes, and I picked up new habits. I smoked, I drank, I did drugs. Those habits won't stay with me today, but I don't think I'll ever forget. And I can't believe I would waste so much time of my life over a boy. If I had any regrets in my life, he would be it. I lost two really good friends over those long six months, but I gained one back within time.

Now, I'm leaving for a new town and a new school. On August 15th, I start my life over. I can be new, and I can be me, but is that what I really want?

The sole reason I wanted to leave was to escape the highschool drama I started this year. But if I'm recovering and making amends, will that justify my leaving anymore?

However, my first thoughts to the idea of leaving everyone behind was to cause as much trouble as possible, and leave a streak of destruction in my path. Now as I come across it, I have a new feeling. I want to patch things up.

I know it's almost summer, but maybe I still have a chance to make the end of my year perfect.
I know I'm changing, but it's always for the better.

Truth is, I really am going to miss Windsor.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

The contents of my stomach

I have officially been awake for twenty-nine hours and forty minutes.I am dead tired, and my head hurts like a bitch, yet I somehow cannot bring myself to sleep. Maybe the cookies and energy drink are responsible for that, or I'm just an irresponsible teen.
I'm tired of boys and their confusing-ness. And my horrible ability to tell if they like me or not. And my fear of rejection, and my fear of dis-like. Damn all of them.
I've given up on writing. After the whole Kyle thing, I cannot bring myself to write anymore. I know it sounds like a pathetic excuse, but the boy was my inspiration as a whole. I just can't seem to write anymore, it all comes out in mush.
I've had alot of school related stress lately. I technically only have thirteen days of school left altogether. kill me now, but i cannot wait till summer.
I can't wait till next year. I get to move out of this city. I get to leave the drama and the stupid people behind. Don't get me wrong, I will miss alot of people, but I just want to get away. It's what I need most right now. A real break.
I'm about to walk Trish to work. I stayed over all night and we have not slept yet. When we get there I'm eating some chicken nuggets and going to watch the clouds by myself in a park near my house. It's my new hangout, it's where I can be alone.
I spend alot of time staring at the sky. I wish I was a bird, that way I can fly away.
I've given up on education for myself. My only hope is french, and I'm not too keen on a job in that field.
I've never felt so alone in a crowd. But maybe this is how I like it.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

You're a Rockstar

"You're a rockstar, everybody wants you"

So my group therapy person told me to make a list of happy things to boost my mood.
Things That Make Me Happy:
Sunshine
Flowers from a distance
Art
Good poetry
Cigarettes
Pizza
My thought twin
My lookalike twin
Evan hugs
Shows
Watching the clouds
Watching the stars
Going for walks
French class
Chocolate milk
The Big Bang Theory
Pokemon
Johnny Depp
My Cat Fluffels
Fluffels son Spaghetti
My camera
Receiving compliments
Making new friends
Music

I might add more to my list later on, but this is as good as it gets.
I'm pretty grateful for my two friends today who made me feel so much better.
Josh and Pat mean alot to me [:

Sunday, April 26, 2009

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired

So I vow to never bowl again. Twelve hours of bowling and you're pretty much sick of it.

Had a pretty big argument with both my parents the other day, but we decided that it's best that I move schools and towns next year. It's for the better, because I'm sick of being used and treated like crap by the people I love.

I don't have much more to say. I planted 35 trees with my friends + mother + my physics teacher, for earth day today.

I found my look-alike twin [: He's my cousin and he's transfering to the same school as I am next year, so we'll play it off as twins as far as it'll let us.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Dandelions in Bloom

I don't think I'm allowed to be happy.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Eggs and a Baret

I love how I seem to be comparing alot of stuff to inanimate objects. Like how I say I'm like a used car, or how I like my boys like my potatos. It's easier and more interesting this way. Plus I'm just naturally retarded.

I thought I might as well talk about one of my friends. The one that seems so close, but we're really quite far. We lie, we cheat and we live, all the while knowing the other does the same. I know her inside out, not her secrets but the way she acts. I can tell her trends, as in the people she likes, what she'll do next, her sarcasm, her words; I can tell it all. She's like my twin, but somehow better and worse in the same way.

I hate how much she pushes people away when she doesn't want them anymore, or the fact that her pride is bigger than her hair. She's left me twice and made a truce twice more to be my friend again, but if she is going to push me away, is there really any point?

Then I did something stupid. I liked the same boy as her, and I went for him even though I knew she wanted him too. When she was in the other room. She was so pained and tired of my shit that she left for almost four months. Not really long, but it's long enough to lose your twin.

It's only now I found out that she liked him more than that, and that I was only in the way. Only in for the game. And it's only now that I think about what pain I caused and how I got in the way. If I wasn't there, would things still be the same? I doubt it, and maybe then things could be better.

It's the only thing I ever regret, but I'm never going to tell her that.

Monday, April 20, 2009

The Devil is My Mother

So I am only allowed on the computer for about ten minutes. Why? Because I could be talking to old men, arranging to meet them in strange alleys, and have sexual relations with the would be predators. Yes, this is the way my mother functions, not thinking that maybe she raised me enough to know not to do those stupid stupid things. But of course, I am the bad child who can never do anything right and always disappoints.

I'm not allowed to do much, and if I do anything I go through the third degree until she knows everything down to the very last detail, including when I have to poop. Well, maybe not that detailed but it sure is close enough.

Now, I don't think I'm a bad person, but my mother always seems to try and guilt me into shit and manipulate me to believe certain things. She always turns me against my father, and tells me that I should not love him because he is an ass. First of all, who the fuck does that? I like him more than her because she goes all ape shit over nothing.

I want to move out of my house, and my mother days that I am not allowed. I am of legal age and can leave whenever the hell I want, but somehow I'm still not allowed. I'm leaving anyways, but she told me that if I do I cannot come back to live with her at a later period of time. Fine by me, but you don't do that to your children.

My mom might not sound really bad to you, but she's worse to me. Probably because she's my mom, and all teenagers think this way at some point or another.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Catching up is something to do

Today I caught up with some old friends. Well, one old friend who is not really old but I haven't been very close to him since we broke up. I think he's the one person I feel most comfortable around, even though he has a new girlfriend and a somewhat new life. We know each other, solid. I think he's the one best friend that has never left me, even when I thought he did.


We argue too much. It's almost like the married couple that never happened. But we have fun while we're at it, and apologize two seconds later. We can reminisce about the old days when we dated, and nothing skips a beat. It's like we skipped awkward, and skipped those months in between. We're so rude to each other, but we're so alike too. We don't even lose out on pointing this out either. We have our laughs, and I'm not even embarrassed to be his friend anymore.



Three years later and we got this friendship under control. He makes me smile. His girlfriend makes me laugh. His best friend makes me dizzy. It's all coming together now.

Pat <3 Tay -Falling with Glory- great show last night says (8:21 PM):
lol shut up but now i fit the stereotype of the vegitarian that does more than eats his letuce
- victoriaaa [: says (8:23 PM):
lettuce*
Pat <3Tay -Falling with Glory- great show last night says (8:23 PM):
! dont you correct me *slap*
- victoriaaa [: says (8:23 PM):
don chu slap me bitch, don make me get up all in yoz grill
- victoriaaa [: says (8:24 PM):
} is black man in disguise
Pat <3Tay -Falling with Glory- great show last night says (8:24 PM):
well im staying away from ur grill cuz the only think i cook in mine is soya burgers
- victoriaaa [: says (8:24 PM):
lmaoooo
Pat <3Tay -Falling with Glory- great show last night says (8:25 PM):
u cant admit that wasnt good
- victoriaaa [: says (8:25 PM):
it was
Pat <3Tay -Falling with Glory- great show last night says (8:26 PM):
lmao
- victoriaaa [: says (8:26 PM):
i dont want this food anymore
Pat <3Tay -Falling with Glory- great show last night says (8:27 PM):
lol eat! its good for you
- victoriaaa [: says (8:27 PM):
it also tastes like poop
Pat <3Tay -Falling with Glory- great show last night says (8:27 PM):
well its healthy poop!
- victoriaaa [: says (8:28 PM):
i .. i can’t believe you just said that


It's so easy now. I like taking this train, instead of being the car.

One hit wonder, share your thunder

New blog, new place. I never usually have enough time for this, but with all the changes going on I feel I need some release. I want to be able to feel new, but that's almost impossible because I'm just like a used car.

Looking back a few years, I never thought I would be in this position. But that's how it always goes, right? "expect the unexpected", It's what everyone would always say to me. I hate the unexpected. But I also hate routine. A spontanious girl who hates the unexpected? Aha, I'm so lame. I run my life as a "do what I want, whenever", and it works for me. But even though I do plan out my day, I hate the little changes. Things as little as going to the bathroom mess up my schedual. I wish it didn't, but I give up on caring just as well.